Leaving Father and Mother

The two verses of Genesis 2:24-25 are not the words of Adam, but a commentary inserted into the narrative by God. This is God’s instruction to us as to what makes a marriage work the way God intended. And what does God tell us? “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.”

This is the way it is supposed to be. God said! It obviously isn’t referring to Adam, since he didn’t have a mother and father. This is talking to us, Adam’s descendents. And God wants us to know the necessity of leaving our parents as we join with our wife, a cleaving in which a new family is born.

What does it mean for a man to leave his father and mother? Is this about “cutting the umbilical cord?” Is it to “untie the apron strings?” Absolutely! It is the act of breaking the parent child bond.

There comes that time when a young man must break off being the dependent child – when he is no longer responsible to, or under the control of, his parents. For years, he has been cared for and supported by them. He was their little boy who was given bedtimes and curfews and allowances. But now it is time to grow-up and give-up the security of home as he cleaves to a wife. It is time for a new family to be formed as this young man becomes the head of his own household.

One time Dr. James Dobson was talking about the most common problems in marriage. Surprisingly, one of the most common is when the parents and in-laws who won’t let go. They try to keep control even following their son’s or daughter’s wedding. But God said a man was to “leave father and mother.” The same applies to the daughter. And this means more than simply moving out and getting your own apartment. It means becoming autonomous – a separate family unit.

Now, obviously a little common sense needs to apply here. It doesn’t mean we can never borrow money from our parents or get them to babysit our kids, or have Sunday dinner with them on a regular basis. It doesn’t even mean we can’t live in an apartment they provide, or work at taking over the family business. The issue is the change in roles. We must go from being a dependent little boy as we grow into an independent man who can assume our new role as the head of a household - as a husband and father. Therefore, when dealing with the relationship with his parents, he must make sure, for the good of his own family, that he takes the responsibility.

Parents tend to want to keep control. Sons let them because it the easiest thing to do. Mom and Dad offer their help, but with strings attached. “After all we’ve done for you, how can you ignore our wishes?” Psychologically or otherwise, the pressure is put on for the son to conform to the Parents wishes.

Parents, shame on you if you do that. Sons, shame on you if you let them manipulate you. There must be a cutting of the dependency cord. Ask for their advice, sure. They are older and wiser. Take a loan if one is needed, and they offer the best rates. But do not let them attach strings. You are now on your own.

And Parents, let your son stand on his own two feet. Let him make mistakes and learn from them. Don’t always bail them out or support their foolish ways. Just say “No!” Parents, you must let them go. Sons, you must stand on your own two feet.

My wife’s Mom told her, “If anything goes wrong between you and Dan, you can’t come home. You must make it work.” Too often, the parents do just the reverse. “Oh, honey, you can always come home.” No! It is no longer their home. They now are the head of a new home. They have left their mother and father and have joined themselves to a wife.