Intimacy in the Bed Room

We ended last time talking about 1st Peter 3:7, which says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding.” It is our wives we are to dwell with. And we talked about making a study of our wives.

But the King James Version brings out another connotation. The King James translates this as dwell with them “according to knowledge.” This makes us think sexual. Genesis 4:1 stated, “Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived.” When this verse says “Adam knew Eve,” it didn’t mean he knew her name or her shoe size. That’s not the way babies are conceived. Intimacy in marriage also involves sexual intimacy.

Aha, some of you are getting ideas. Victoria Secrets lingerie, soft music, candlelight and roses. Get the manuals that instruct you the various positions that take an acrobat or yoga instructor to get into. Well, that isn’t the way it works in most homes.

Most married couples, after a few years, have acquired a kid or two. They have put on the pounds, and suffer from varicose veins. By the time the kids are in bed, both are too tired to perform at the pinnacle of excitement. Romance maybe happens on Valentine’s Day or your anniversary, but it’s not part of the regular routine. Yet, normal married couples actually have a more satisfying sex life than those trying to emulate the movies. Why? It is because intimacy comes from knowledge, not mystery.

Proverbs 5, set in the midst of many warnings not to play with fire by dabbling in sex outside of marriage, tells us to be satisfied with our wives. Writing of the wife, Proverbs 5:18-19 say:

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.”

Even an older woman (still the “wife of your youth”), can compete quite successfully on those terms. As the New International Version says, he is “captivated by her love.” Wives don’t need to dress like prostitutes or act like actresses in X-rated movies. They only need to respond to one another in love, freely giving themselves to one another.

Only within the bounds of true marital love can two people relax and be comfortable with one another, to be un-inhibited in their love-making as Adam and Eve were in Genesis 2:25, which says, “And they were both naked. . . and were not ashamed.” That kind of total intimacy is possible, proper, and God’s intention within a marriage; but it can only grow out of love.

But it takes love PLUS time. Are you taking the time to understand your wife?

The Intimacy of Marriage

Sometimes along with all the advantages of preaching verse by verse, there is a problem. People can look ahead and see where you are going, and they ask all kinds of questions. And sometimes they make suggestions. So, when I get to a verse like Genesis 2:25, which says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed;” I get this suggestion, “You don’t really need to preach on that one, do you?” Of course I’m going to, even though some people think it’s too hot to handle in church. But no topic addressed by Scripture should be too hot to handle.

I was also asked the question, “Are you going to tell us what this verse really means?” The answer is: Yes, I am. I did a lot of deep study – I checked the dictionaries of Hebrew words – and I can tell you conclusively what this verse means when it says, “And they were both naked.” It means they didn’t have any clothes on. Nope, not even a fig leaf. The rumors are true.

I suppose that means Eve had it easy. She didn’t have to do laundry, and it meant no ironing. But then she didn’t have to dust either, since she didn’t have a house. But they say Eve did worry. Every night when Adam came home from naming the animals, she counted his ribs.

Seriously, though, what is the lesson here? The word, naked, in Hebrew means to be laid bare. That means totally and completely naked. But it also says they weren’t ashamed. The idea is this: there were no hidden areas between them – no hang ups, no embarrassment, no fears. And they were naked together. The meaning is that they were totally transparent with each other in their marriage. They had unrestrained freedom and the complete absence of self-consciousness.

Does that sound strange in your marriage? Does it sound like something foreign? It’s because we live in a different world – one marred by sin. In Genesis chapter three at the fall, self-consciousness came into being, and shame entered at our nakedness. Then Adam and Eve will resort to using fig leaves to cover up. Later, God will clothe them with animal skins.

But since the fall, sin has marred that original transparent intimacy. We are crippled by sin when it comes to relating freely and openly even in our marriages. We have too much we prefer to keep covered, even from the eyes of our spouses. Nowadays, marriages are more often characterized by selfishness, competition, resentment, embarrassment, and masks, than by intimacy. To our shame!

But, guess what? God still wants our marriages to be intimate. Remember what it said in Ephesians 5:32? We’ve covered it several times already. Our marriages represent an earthly picture of Christ’s relationship to His bride, the church. And the church is to experience intimacy with her Savior, right? Hebrews 4:16 even gives us the gracious invitation “to come boldly to the throne of grace.” We are invited into God’s presence where we can receive grace and help in our time of need. “Boldly” doesn’t mean brashly or flippantly. It has the idea of freedom of speech. We can come before God at any time and tell Him anything. You can lay your heart bare before Him. Plus, God knows us intimately. Psalm 94:11 says, “The Lord knows the thoughts of man.” You can’t even hide what you are thinking from Him, so you might as well share it.

But to be a good symbol of Christ and the church, our marriages also must be intimate. Oh, but how? That is one of the greatest challenges of the ages. It requires work. Yes, sin hinders that work, but the reward of an intimate marriage makes it oh so worth-while. If you work at it, you will win. If not, you will lose big time. But when you win, you really win. The joy of a great marriage is beyond comparison. And if you lose, the scars are never superficial. They leave no flesh wounds, but cleave the heart.

Since we are sinful and prone to hide from each other, we need help in developing intimacy. That help comes from the pages of Scripture. What sin destroyed, following God’s commands can restore. In the next article we will begin examining the Scriptural remedy for our non-intimate marriages.

Cleaving Body to Body

We have been examining Genesis 2:24-25, which says:

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined [or cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

We have said that the process of becoming one flesh is the process of cleaving. Ah, but what cleaves to what? Oh, boy, this is going to get juicy. I almost need to make a disclaimer about now, “Caution: Parents with small children should be advised of mature content.”

But really, if we can’t talk about sex from a Biblical perspective in church as Christians, we leave the world with the only microphone. Theirs will be the only position heard by our kids. And they scream their message out loud and clear from every venue.

But remember: God created man to be a trinity of body, soul, and spirit. The husband and wife are to be united on each of these three levels. But, the first we’ll cover is the union of body to body through sexual intercourse. If this union doesn’t take place, the marriage can be annulled. They would say that the marriage has not been consummated. No sex, no marriage. God also thinks this sexual union is important. After all, sex was His creation, wasn’t it? He thought it up and designed it into our bodies. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

God created the man and the woman with very different bodies, complimentary bodies, so that they could perfectly fit together in sexual union.

And the reason? Genesis 1:28 tells us, “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “’Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.’” How else can we multiply without sexual union?

But, wait a minute. That was before the curse, wasn’t it? I thought sex was part of the curse, that it was dirty and naughty, or something. Many in the church are confused over the role of sex, not realizing that sex is God’s gift to us. Many in the church somehow think sex is the devil’s gift, not God’s. They think that sex is somehow always dirty. But it only is outside of marriage. Inside marriage, it is a beautiful, God ordained activity.

Parents often give kids the idea that sex is evil by saying something like this: “Sex is filthy, wicked, and disgusting, and you need to save it for your husband.” How ridiculous! And they think that Pastor’s only engage in sexual intercourse for the purpose of procreation, but they never enjoy it. What a warped, unbiblical concept.

To any of you who think that, let me point you to you the words of 1st Corinthians 7:3-5:

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Are married people expected to have sex? Of course! The only exception is by mutual “consent” for a time “period of fasting and prayer.” God is making it clear here that we really owe sexual enjoyment to our marital partner. The older women (Men could never say this and get away with it) should teach the younger women that they most often should say “Yes!” rather than “No!” Lots of husbands would like to engrave these words on the headboard of their bed. But don’t misuse this, men, or your wives might too.

Indeed, God said this in Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.” There is nothing noble or spiritual about having a lousy sex life for a married couple. There is nothing Christian about settling for boring while the world goes for the gusto and the truly satisfying sex lives.

Let me tell you, God is no prude. He wouldn’t have included the Song of Solomon in the Bible if he was. That book is erotic. It describes in detail the joys and techniques of marital love-making. The Hebrews wouldn’t even let their young men read this book until they were married.

Have you ever wondered what can be done in the marital bed? Just read the Song of Solomon and let your imagination run wild. Obviously God intended sex to be pleasurable, both for the husband and the wife, all within the confines of the marriage bond. They could thoroughly look at, touch, and enjoy each other’s body. But, sex is so special, so sacred, that it should be protected and never squandered outside of marriage.

In Proverbs 5:15-19, we see a call to both marital fidelity and marital bliss. It says:

15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.

This passage clearly tells us to stay home to enjoy sex. Don’t spread your lovemaking around. They say there are two things a cowboy would never share: his horse and his wife. But within marriage, we are to fully enjoy one another’s body. We are to be completely satisfied with one another. This is as God intended. This is how He designed us.