Leaving Father and Mother

The two verses of Genesis 2:24-25 are not the words of Adam, but a commentary inserted into the narrative by God. This is God’s instruction to us as to what makes a marriage work the way God intended. And what does God tell us? “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.”

This is the way it is supposed to be. God said! It obviously isn’t referring to Adam, since he didn’t have a mother and father. This is talking to us, Adam’s descendents. And God wants us to know the necessity of leaving our parents as we join with our wife, a cleaving in which a new family is born.

What does it mean for a man to leave his father and mother? Is this about “cutting the umbilical cord?” Is it to “untie the apron strings?” Absolutely! It is the act of breaking the parent child bond.

There comes that time when a young man must break off being the dependent child – when he is no longer responsible to, or under the control of, his parents. For years, he has been cared for and supported by them. He was their little boy who was given bedtimes and curfews and allowances. But now it is time to grow-up and give-up the security of home as he cleaves to a wife. It is time for a new family to be formed as this young man becomes the head of his own household.

One time Dr. James Dobson was talking about the most common problems in marriage. Surprisingly, one of the most common is when the parents and in-laws who won’t let go. They try to keep control even following their son’s or daughter’s wedding. But God said a man was to “leave father and mother.” The same applies to the daughter. And this means more than simply moving out and getting your own apartment. It means becoming autonomous – a separate family unit.

Now, obviously a little common sense needs to apply here. It doesn’t mean we can never borrow money from our parents or get them to babysit our kids, or have Sunday dinner with them on a regular basis. It doesn’t even mean we can’t live in an apartment they provide, or work at taking over the family business. The issue is the change in roles. We must go from being a dependent little boy as we grow into an independent man who can assume our new role as the head of a household - as a husband and father. Therefore, when dealing with the relationship with his parents, he must make sure, for the good of his own family, that he takes the responsibility.

Parents tend to want to keep control. Sons let them because it the easiest thing to do. Mom and Dad offer their help, but with strings attached. “After all we’ve done for you, how can you ignore our wishes?” Psychologically or otherwise, the pressure is put on for the son to conform to the Parents wishes.

Parents, shame on you if you do that. Sons, shame on you if you let them manipulate you. There must be a cutting of the dependency cord. Ask for their advice, sure. They are older and wiser. Take a loan if one is needed, and they offer the best rates. But do not let them attach strings. You are now on your own.

And Parents, let your son stand on his own two feet. Let him make mistakes and learn from them. Don’t always bail them out or support their foolish ways. Just say “No!” Parents, you must let them go. Sons, you must stand on your own two feet.

My wife’s Mom told her, “If anything goes wrong between you and Dan, you can’t come home. You must make it work.” Too often, the parents do just the reverse. “Oh, honey, you can always come home.” No! It is no longer their home. They now are the head of a new home. They have left their mother and father and have joined themselves to a wife.

Making Inside Your Four Walls Christian

Chuck Swindall told the story of Suzy, who was only four years old. She had just heard the story of “Snow White” for the first time, and she was eager to tell her mother. Excitedly, she told of Prince Charming arriving on his beautiful white steed, and of him leaning over to plant a kiss on Snow White to awaken her.

“And do you know what happened next?” Suzy asked her Mommy.

“Yes,” said her mommy. “They lived happily ever after.”

“No,” responded Suzy with a frown. “They got married.”

Depending upon your perspective, there might be a lot of truth in that. Getting married and living happily ever after are hardly synonymous. The ongoing 50% divorce rate proves that. Yes, marriage as an institution is in tough shape. As one commentator put it, “Our generation is watching the death of marriage and the family as we know it.” Both Christians and non-Christians recognize that fact.

U.S. News and World Report, in a 1984 special edition, ran a lead article entitled, “Why Family Will Have a New Definition.” In it they wrote:

“Over the next five decades, experts say, society will redefine its concept of the family. . . Serial marriages, a growing trend even now, will be a normal and planned for part of adulthood. Tomorrow’s children will grow up with several sets of parents and an assortment of half and step siblings. . . .Already it is predicted that by 1990 up to 50% of all children will have experienced divorce and remarriage in their families.”

Who could deny it? This article is so accurate, it almost sounds like Biblical prophecy. James Dobson, formerly of Focus on the Family, has done a great job of documenting this appalling trend in the family. Sadly, this is true of Christian families as well.

But is there no hope? Quite assuredly there is. If marriage is in trouble, it is because we have abandoned God’s requirements as outlined in Scripture, and we have followed the world’s lead instead. The answer, then, is simply to return to God’s Word and follow God’s instructions. The God who created marriage also gave us an instruction manual – the Bible.

When a marriage is in trouble, every time one is in trouble, one or both parties in the marriage isn’t following God’s directions. But to follow God’s directions, we must know them. We must understand them. And we must obey them. That is the purpose of this blog. It is to teach what God has to say about the family. But you must make the commitment to obey what God says.

We can talk all day about how bad the world is, or how bad other people’s marriages and homes are, but we can’t do a thing about them. Our country is in a mess. It is morally bankrupt. The political parties are deadlocked. And we each have only one vote, which doesn’t mean much amongst so many.

But there is one place we do have complete control over, and that is the most important place of all. We control our own homes. If we are upset about the culture and want to make it “Christian;” if we want to see it have good laws, and good art, and good education, and good entertainment; we can start at home where we set the rules and enforce them.

You can choose to allow only God-honoring art and literature into your home. You control which magazines and newspapers come in. If you don’t like the content of one, don’t subscribe to it. You control the entertainment that comes into your homes. TVs and radios have this marvelous thing called a power button. You can turn the thing off. You are in control.

In other words, we can make our homes holy. We can set them apart for God. Inside our four walls there should never be any pornography, drugs, alcohol, foul language, punk rock, STDs, unfaithful spouses, and no unwanted children. NEVER! And there should be no troubled marriages.

Is your home what you want it to be? Will you commit to making it that? Your commitment is the key ingredient. If you won’t commit, there isn’t any reason to continue reading these blogs, because the directions found in the Word of God outlined here will do you no good. If, on the other hand, you will commit, perhaps you will find something of value as you continue reading. But if you won’t commit, you are in for a rocky road – guaranteed.