Cleaving Body, Soul, and Spirit – Which is Most Important? Or, What is Wrong With Dating?

We’ve been examining Genesis 2:24 which says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined [or cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This bonding, or cleaving, we said, involves a cleaving of body to body, soul to soul, and spirit to spirit. But of these three levels of bonding, which is most important? Obviously, if we were to prioritize them, the bonding of spirit to spirit is most important, followed by the bonding of soul to soul, and last would be the bonding of body to body.

But honestly, which is the most common order? Yeah! Most unions are made because of sexual attraction – the desire to bond body to body. It’s that love at first sight thing: “Wow! What a babe!” The stir of the hormones is most powerful. Now, there is nothing wrong with that stir (God made us that way, after all.), but it must be controlled and channeled. Every effort must be made to develop the other two areas of cleaving first. Parents, you need to work with your teens so they can get this order right.

Modern dating, or should I say mating practices seem to get this reversed. They almost always begin with romance – the sexual attraction part. So kids start “going out” and “going steady” as early as middle school. And it is almost always because of sexual attraction. But if we most often get the bonding process backwards, is it any wonder so many marriages are in trouble?

What is wrong with modern dating as practiced by the world? It, for the most part, violates the mandate of 1st Corinthians 6:18, “Flee sexual immorality.” It pairs up two immature kids, both in the height of hormonal frenzy, who have picked each other out because of sexual attraction. Then it sets them in all kinds of romantic situations. They are found cuddling at a movie watching actors and actresses “doing it” on the giant screen. Or they are going to dances where they shake and gyrate seductively in front of each other, or slow dancing which is no more than hugging to the music. As one mother said, if they aren’t aroused after that, they are dead. Or they find themselves parking along some secluded lane. And we wonder why so many of them get in trouble. Mary Pride said it is safer to give then dynamite and send them out to blow up skyscrapers than to solo date.

How much better to control the environment our kids socialize in? Parents, you need to be actively involved in this. Many church youth groups across the country have taken a “No dating” pledge. That shouldn’t be considered that radical a proposal, but only good sense. It keeps them all friends. As long as they can stay just friends, they can be friends for life. But once they move into romance, they can’t go back to just being friends again.

How much better for our teens to do fun things together in a group without the romantic pairing off. That follows the admonition of 1st Timothy 5:2 for the young men to treat “younger women as sisters, with all purity.” You don’t have romantic interludes with your sisters – YUCK! But when the time for marriage comes, they will have built a base both spiritual and intellectual upon which a marriage can be built.

Another problem with dating that is perhaps even more severe is that dating weakens the marital bond. Remember? We have said that cleaving is like glue, or better, tape. Tape is meant to be used just once. If you peel tape off and try to reuse tape, it doesn’t stick as well. Peel it off and try to use a third or a fourth time, and there practically isn’t any stickiness left. It is the same with our romantic bonding. We said that the more times we cleave to a romantic love and break up, the harder it is to ever form a permanent attachment.

This is another reason why sexual cleaving should be reserved for marriage. The body produces oxytocin, a neuro transmitter hormone, called the love hormone. This hormone has been scientifically found to promote bonding between intimate couples – it is that glue that cements us together in our marriage relationships. Oxytocin is a hormone that is released in a woman during foreplay, and it is released in a man during climax. This hormone plays a huge role in developing that feeling of bonding between a husband and wife. But think how dangerous that bonding is in an illicit relationship, how dangerous that would be in our hook-up culture.

Just as an aside, Ladies, with this scientific fact before you, if you want your husband to feel close to you, don’t cut him off. That warm feeling of love that sweeps over him after making love is a huge part of bonding. But men, the release of oxytocin in your wife during foreplay should cause you to take all the time she needs getting her ready. The closeness she will experience toward you is priceless.

But in unmarried people, this is incredibly dangerous. Two hearts come together in a romantic/sexual bonding while dating, and the cleaving process begins. But they usually pull apart before that glue is set (most couples only date for a few months before they move on), but what happens? Glue tissue paper together with Elmer’s Glue, then try to pull it apart. The tissue is going to tear.

Tender hearts get torn to pieces over and over again in serial dating, and then over time the heart calluses over. But glue isn’t meant to be used over and over. Serial dating, going from one to another to another romantic interest, falling in and out of love repeatedly, ruins the stickiness of our heart. It sets in place the pattern that if you get tired of this one because you’ve had a spat, or you’ve found someone sexier, then you split up. You find someone new. You move on to a new conquest. Modern dating sets in place a mindset that leads more to divorce than lifelong marriage. That kind of dating doesn’t prepare anyone for marriage.

One last point about dating: The question always comes up, “How far can I go?” First, that is the wrong question. We shouldn’t wonder how close we can get to sin without crossing the line, we should be repelled by sin. The real question we must ask is, “How can I stay as far away from sin as possible?” Therefore, the real issue isn’t how far we can go, but how clean we can stay.

Jonathon Lindvall gave a great answer to the question. He was talking with his son who was leaving on a date that night, and he asked him, “Are you going to marry this girl?”

“No, I don’t think so,” responded his son. “Why? I never even thought about that. No!.”

“Then do you think she will probably marry someone else then?” Dad asked. “Someday she will be someone else’s wife?”

“Well, sure, I suppose so. She’s a nice girl. Yeah, I suppose she’ll get married.”

“So,” Dad asked. “You aren’t planning on marrying her, but you are planning on getting married someday? Right?”

“Sure.”

“Hmmm, then I suppose that the girl you are going to marry someday could be out on a date tonight with someone else?”

“I guess so.”

Then dad stated the rule, “How far do you want her (your future wife) going with her date tonight?” And his son’s mouth dropped open in shock over the thought. “You should not go any further with this girl you are dating (who will marry someone else), than you want some other man to go with your future wife.”

Certainly no man would want some other man touching, and kissing, and fondling his wife.

Do you get the picture? God condemns pre-marital sex. Sin never unites, it only divides. You can’t build a marriage that will last on lust. It has to be built on God.